I Believe You (A Contemporary Novel) Read online

  I knew why he had volunteered to be Romeo. He only needed to memorize two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. Smart guy.

  3

  I first met Landy in a “magical” way.

  My father died when I was twelve. My mum blamed me for his death. Since then, I learnt about life the wrong way: I hung out with a group of hooligans who smoked at stairways and got their pocket money from stealing. I always felt a great sense of satisfaction whenever we successfully shoplifted.

  That day, we plotted to steal shoes again. Stealing shoes had always been a routine for us. Our targets were usually World of Sports, Royal Sporting House and Bata. Our plan had never failed until that day.

  Three of us entered Royal Sporting House, wearing stern expressions. We pretended to browse around the clothes section indifferently first. As we progressed to the shoes section, we showed signs of excitement by saying, “This is nice!” or “I wonder if they’ve got size six for this pair or not?”

  After some acting, a sales assistant marched towards us. He looked young, and we believed he was only a temporary employee. We smiled, knowing a temporary worker was an easier target. “What size are you looking for, madam?”

  I always felt proud to be called “madam” at the age of thirteen. My friend, Maggie, replied, “Do you have size six for this?” She showed the sales assistant a particular design. It cost a hundred dollars.

  The sales assistant politely told us to wait and went off. Within the same minute, he came back with a pair. Maggie tried one on and it fitted her perfectly. However, she frowned and then looked up at the sales assistant with a seductive smile. “This feels too small. Do you have, like, size six and a quarter?”

  We all howled in laughter. The sales assistant looked amused. He put on his smile and said, “How about size seven?”

  “Will do!” Maggie chirped. “You go look for size seven. If there isn’t any, I’ll take this one.” She began to trace the design of the shoe with her finger. The sales assistant hinted to her to take the shoe off, but Maggie was totally immersed in appreciating the beauty of the shoe—or how much we could sell the pair of shoes for. Finally, the sales assistant gave up and went off in search for size seven.

  In one smooth motion, I took out a Royal Sporting House plastic carrier from my bag. Maggie took off the shoe and threw it into the box. We glanced around the busy shop. When we were sure that it was safe, we placed the shoebox into the plastic carrier and I strode out of the shop, feeling victorious.

  No one stopped me. The alarm did not ring. After all, how could anyone steal a pair of shoes? They were all supposed to be stacked neatly in the storeroom. When I was out of the shop, I imagined Maggie and the sales assistant quarrelling. Maggie would not lose; after all, customers are always right. I could only pity the poor sales assistant who must have been wondering whether he did place the size six shoes back into the storeroom. He might even consider quitting his job.

  While I was lost in my thoughts, someone tapped my shoulder. A pretty lady with shiny, long hair smiled at me and said, “Put that pair of shoes down. They’re coming to get you.”

  She looked a little older than me and had perfect features that teenagers would envy—like a real-life Asian Barbie doll. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I demanded.

  “Trust me. That sales assistant is the supervisor, not a temp. He has met all sorts of people. He’s coming for you. Drop it, or you’ll regret it forever!”

  I stared at her. She seemed to know everything. For some reason, I decided to trust her and threw the shoes into a rubbish bin. A few minutes later, to my surprise, the sales assistant, together with two security officers, approached me. When they found nothing on me, they gave up and I let out a long sigh of relief. It was my closest encounter with a criminal record.

  After that incident, the lady showed up at my house. I had no idea how she got my address. We chatted a little. I later knew her to be Landy. Soon, we became good friends. She was older than me by four years and was working full-time as a clerk. Mum died when I was fourteen and I cut off all links with all my friends other than Landy.

  Somehow, Landy stayed with me through thick and thin. Knowing that I disliked going out, she came to my house to chat with me instead. I had thought then that if there were only one blessing in my life, it was definitely having a friend like Landy.

  *   *   *

  We realized our play lasted for only five minutes if we had no NG. Our play was supposed to be ten to fifteen minutes.

  “Look, I think we’ll have to rewrite the script,” our director, Delvin, suggested. He was one of our classmates with the most outstanding leadership qualities. “I’m open to all ideas.”

  We brainstormed and a few ideas were proposed, but none of them seemed to work. Amid the dejected atmosphere, Jacky stood up and told us, “Trust Joanna and me. We’ll be able to extend it with our acting. Won’t we, Joanna?”

  I sank deeper into my chair and frowned. What does he mean by that? He was smiling at me again. I felt my hair standing up. What is he thinking now? I gritted my teeth, hoping that he would not suggest some outrageous idea that would embarrass both of us.

  “It’ll be a lot more realistic if we do the play without directly following the script. For example, if the audience laughs, we’ll extend the humorous scene. If the audience is crying, we’ll extend the sad scene. Of course, that would mean we’ll have to add our own lines to the play. You understand?”

  After some discussion, they all agreed to that idea. I wanted so much to disagree; but, upon seeing their exhausted faces, I gave in. After we were dismissed, we all headed in different directions except Jacky and me. We stayed together as I wanted to confront him about the idea.

  “Why propose that stupid idea?” I asked.

  “For fun, Joanna! For fun! And don’t you think the play will feel a lot more realistic if we don’t follow a script? I—”

  “You won’t understand! I need to follow a script! I can’t…I can’t talk well. I…I’m afraid I will say the wrong thing and—” I choked on my words and halted.

  “Tell me what’s stopping you from opening your heart, Joanna. Please.”

  I was shaking softly. His warm hands embraced my shoulders and he lowered his voice. “Please tell me more about yourself. Why are you keeping everything to yourself? Why are you living in your own world? Please.”

  “Get away!” I pushed him away, my face burning red. After I had taken a few steps back, my phone rang. It was Landy. I rejected the call and turned back at Jacky. “You won’t be able to help me! No one can! No one!”

  “Let me help you, please! Believe me! You won’t fail if you keep trying!”

  “No! You can’t, you’ll never! I’m going to withdraw from that fucking play, and you and your fucking good friend can be Juliet!”

  “Joanna—”

  “I killed my father, my mother and many other people! I’m a fucking murderer, a fucking killer, a fucking sinner!”

  I turned and dashed out of the hall. The moment I was out of the school, I raised my hand and a taxi pulled over. I wiped off my tears before opening the door, searching for respite.

  4

  The taxi ride to West Coast Park took fifteen minutes. By then, night had fallen and I had stopped crying. There were not many people around. Landy came an hour later and we climbed up the tall rope pyramid, lying on the ropes.

  “You really want to tell him everything, don’t you?” Landy said. “You feel like you’ve got a…bond with him.”

  “He’ll get killed by me,” I whispered. “I don’t want danger to befall him.”

  “But you really want to tell him about your problems. You really wanna tell him about your curse. I support you.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Okay, why not we play a game? If he’s here within fifteen minutes, you’ll tell him about your problems, okay? If not, we’ll sleep here for the night. Are you game for it?”

  I looked u
p at the starless night. He won’t be able to find me, I thought. “Deal.”

  “Well then, I’m going down.” Landy grabbed the rope below and slowly made her way down.

  “Huh?”

  “Look down, my friend.” By then, Landy had reached the ground. She waved at me and I understood what she meant the moment I looked down. Jacky, still in his uniform, walked past her. When he saw me, he smiled broadly and climbed up the ropes, flaunting his lean biceps. Within a few seconds, he was sitting beside me.

  “How did you know I was here?” I said. “Landy called you?”

  “Who’s Landy?” Jacky asked.

  “The girl who just walked past you.”

  “Did anyone walk past me just now?” His brow furrowed. “I didn’t notice.”

  “Then how did you know I’m here?”

  “I installed a tracer in your handphone. You know, like those tracers that secret agents use? I bought it in a black market. Cost me a bomb.”

  I bit my lip and ignored his pointless remark.

  “Joanna, can I tell you something?”

  I nodded, stunned at his seriousness. He had never bothered to request permission before. My eyes were fixed to the ground, my hands toying with the ropes that supported us.

  “I know it’s one of the hardest things to do in the world…I know it’s like asking you to stuff your fist into your mouth or it’s like asking you to eat caterpillars, but…” He paused. I shivered. Gosh, he looks really serious when he is not smiling. “Would you…would you believe me?”

  “Believe you?” I twisted my head, almost relieved. “What do you mean?” I was not expecting him to say something so simple.

  “Lend me an hour of your time. In this hour, I hope you can believe in everything I say. Would you?”

  I clenched my fists, thinking hard. I then recalled the deal I had with Landy. “Okay, I believe you. Now, what do you want to say?”

  “Tell me about your problems. Joanna, you’ll not fail if you keep trying.”

  “No. No one can help—”

  “Joanna!” And he did it: He held my hand and cried, “Believe me!”

  I shook my head a few times, trying hard to believe him. I will not fail if I keep trying? I had always been trying…but I always failed. I had given up hope on everything, choosing instead to live in my own world.

  A minute passed silently. I gazed at the starless sky. Time seemed to be crawling. I grabbed a rope, preparing to leap down when Landy’s words came into my mind again. With that, I looked up at Jacky. He stared at me with such sincerity that I nearly could not recognize this man. It was then that I realized he was still holding on to my left hand.

  “Believe me,” he repeated as he released my hand. I felt a weird surge of loss. “What is the reason that causes you to be so reserved? How did your parents…pass away?”

  Tears started to well up in my eyes. I wanted so much to lay my head on his shoulder, but I feared he might feel uncomfortable. I shook my head a few times to hold back my tears. It was not easy. “I killed them.”

  “Tell me more. Let me help.”

  “You can’t help!” I yelled, my voice echoing in the quiet night.

  “Believe in me!”

  “You wouldn’t—”

  “You have to be—”

  “It’s too—”

  “Believe me!”

  “No one can help—”

  “I can help you. I really can. Let me help, please. Believe in me.”

  Believe in me.

  Somehow, my heart melted and I gave in. I had always thought that belief was not strong enough to change anything. However, it was something else that made me believe him.

  I believe you.

  “I was born into a perfect family. I had a father who drove a taxi and a mother who cooked for others,” I started, not daring to face him.

  “That’s very good. Go on.”

  “We lived simply, yet happily. My father worked seven days a week. Every night, I would wait for my father to buy supper for us. The three of us would eat while watching television. That late-night meal was the only time for us to be together. I would tell them about the new bully in school. They would teach me how to fight back.”

  “You’ve got very good parents,” Jacky cut in, obviously just to prove that he was still listening.

  “Life was perfect. Just so perfect. Until one day…one day…” Whenever the memories flowed back, I would close my eyes to let the tears flow smoothly. Jacky stroked my back, encouraging me to steady my nerves. I knew if I were to tell him about myself, I would have to overcome those memories. “One day…that day…” I took a long, deep breath. “It all happened.

  “The day started like any other day. My father ate his breakfast in a rush and then went to work. As usual, I yelled, ‘Drive carefully, Dad,’ before he stepped out of the house. Hours later, I was in school, listening to the teacher attentively when I saw my mother outside the classroom.

  “I remembered that day we were supposed to have a spelling test, yet I had forgotten to bring the exercise book. I thought my mother was just there to pass me my book. Little did I expect it to be something more than just a book. Or a test.

  “She grabbed my hand and we left the school. No word was exchanged. We went into a taxi, and when she cried, I sensed that something was wrong. Then, she hugged me, and I knew it was bad news.”

  I paused. I needed a break from the bad memories. Jacky flashed his trademarked smile and patted my shoulder. We stayed that way for a few more minutes.

  “My father had died in a car accident. In his desperate attempt to get a passenger, he neglected his own safety. A lorry crashed into his taxi. He died instantly. I was only twelve then. I cried every day, waiting for my supper to come. But every night, only memories of my father came back. I could no longer tell him about the new bully in my school.

  “My mother, strangely, indirectly blamed me for his death. She claimed that had I not told my father to drive carefully, he might not have died. It made no sense at all. With my father’s death, my mother quit her job and turned into a drunkard. She would return every night stinking of alcohol. I had no idea where she got the money.

  “I was totally dejected with my broken family. Then I met a group of friends when I was in secondary one at a stairway. They showed me new ways to relax: smoking, drinking... I was lured in by the thought of not having to care. I smoked my days away.”

  “I cannot imagine you were once a smoker,” Jacky said.

  “Home was just a place for me to seek quarrels. I tried my best to stay away from home. My mother would always call me names like ‘jinx’ or ‘bitch’ even when she was sober. Finally, one day, I had had enough. I put all my clothes into a bag and shouted to her, ‘I hope you’ll die in a car accident, just like Dad. And I hope you’ll get crushed by a big lorry!’ After that, I stayed in my friend’s house for two days.

  “And, two days later…” I was shuddering, my tears rolling out faster. I tried to wipe them off, but they kept coming. I felt like jumping down to the ground, ending the ordeal. Without warning, Jacky embraced me, his body warming me up. He was shuddering along with me. I dropped my head onto his shoulder and whispered, “Two days later, my mother was crushed by a big lorry. She died on the spot.”

  5

  There was a long silence. Jacky stroked me gently on my back, as if it would help to stop my sobbing. At that moment, I really wished I would wake up in the comfort of my bed and realize that everything, from my father’s death to Jacky’s hug, had just been a dream.

  I guessed I had regretted telling Jacky everything. No one knew about all this except Landy. I had tried so hard to bury my past, but Jacky’s persistence had caused me to dig it out. I pushed Jacky away, knowing I could not lay my head on his shoulder forever. To my surprise, he was wearing a smile, not at all surprised by my story.

  “And you believe that you caused the death of your mother? Because of the ‘curse’ that you have?” he said.<
br />
  I nodded.

  “Silly, Joanna. There’s a word known as ‘coincidence’. It just happened to be a coincidence.”

  I shook my head. “A few days after my mother’s death, I had a quarrel with one of my friends. In the midst of the quarrel, I…” I paused again. It was hard to dig a past that had been buried for so long. “I said, ‘You’re so stubborn, your boyfriend is gonna leave you soon!’ A few days later, her boyfriend broke up with her.”

  “Well, two coincidences.”

  “I once scolded a taxi driver for reckless driving. I said he would soon get into an accident if he continued to drive that way. He ignored my warning and the next day, the newspaper reported that a taxi had smashed into a tree. Luckily, the taxi driver suffered no serious injury. I’ve always hoped they were just coincidences, Jacky. It’s not. It’s a curse. I’m cursed. Every bad thing I say will come true.”

  “That’s the reason why you’re so quiet? So…introverted?”

  I nodded. “More or less. Trust me, they’re not coincidences. There’re more examples of my curse. I dare not talk, for fear that I may ‘accidentally’ curse others. It’s not my fault.”

  Jacky bit his lip. A few seconds later, he said, “You once said you’ve got friends outside JC. Is it true?”

  “Just one. Her name is Landy. Strangely…” I stopped, wondering if I should tell Jacky about Landy. Since I have already told him so much, why not tell him about Landy too? “She isn’t affected by my curses. I have accidentally cursed her a few times, but she seems to be immune to them. Nothing happened to her after my curses. Hence, she has always been my best friend. She was the lady who walked past you earlier.”

  I told him more about Landy, on how we first met and how she visited me regularly. “My grandmother will open the door for her when I’m not in. However, my grandmother always forgets that she has opened the door for her. She has poor memory and bad eyesight.”

  “Landy must have been a good friend to come by for a chat.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, she knows about your ‘curse’ as well? And encourages you to avoid talking to others?”

  “Yeah,” I replied. “She has seen how people suffered from my curse. That’s the reason why she prefers me to keep quiet.”